Blackhole Sun

I woke up today a little late again. I’m finding it difficult to be motivated to wake up on time since I don’t have early morning class until this Monday. I’ve been feeling this kind of restlessness and general ennui to life that sometimes strikes me from time to time.

When I was young I used to wonder why some adults seemed so bitter, so hard, and so pessamistic with life. I feel now that age 24, on the cusp of graduating and finally entering the “real world” I can finally relate a bit. I spoke on the phone with my mom a few days ago as well as my dad and I feel them slowly slipping into old age. The amount of times I need to repeat things or slow things down for them has been increasing slowly.

Sometimes I feel like the more I try to break out of the bubble of life’s expectations, the more it sucks me back in. My parents are now taking care of my grandpa in probably some of his final years… I see myself in the same situation soon. Life is zooming past my eyes and I’m slowly feeling like my life is not adding up to any significance. I sit here and think about all the compliments I got as a child growing up about my fast intellect, my (at the time) high school reading level in elementary school, and endless curiosity that was stomped out once I hit middle school. Somehow I feel like I’m not living up to my full potential and tapping my skills. Far too long have I been blinded by the college revelry.. It is so much easier to blind yourself with the trivial pursuits of life than to confront yourself head on the mirror. To confront life and grab it by the horns.

I remember when I was a kid in kindgarten in my yearbook I listed my future dream career as “Computer Programmer” whereas other kids had listed things like “Fireman”, “Police Officer”, or maybe something a little more advanced like “Lawyer” or “Doctor”. I was the only one back then in 1989 who thought of it. What the hell happened?

The same feelings of helplessness hit me when I was a senior in high school and my college acceptances were locked in. I felt like I had nowhere else to go but San Jose State University while others were zooming by to better schools. This feeling eventually subsided as our futures have become much more clear, but again this same feeling hit me again.

I’ve always been determined to make something of myself in life and leave my mark. I hope when the dust settles and I regain my usual composure right now, I will step it up and reach for the stars once again.

Once next week hits, I’m going to hit Math 22 like nothing else. Mathematics has never been my strength, and I’m determined to go all out the next five weeks… I guess maybe to finally prove to myself that the only limitations in life are the ones you set up in your mind such as giving up before you’ve even tried.

Times are gone for honest men.